God! I was so freaking out when I heard the news. I still am freaking out of my fucked up mind even at this very moment. It's like I couldn't decide on what I want to do: whether to pull out my hair by handfuls, to claw at our very wall, run bloody naked and crazy around the park, or to hop around the block like some frustrated loon. One thing I do know though is that I don't really want to get transferred from my current work unit. I've known even from months before how I like CCU very much. It was only when I heard the news that I'll be working in ICU when I truly comprehended how much I really, really like to be in CCU than any other units. I was going half crazy, being barely able to contain my dissatisfaction and desolation. When an acquaintance casually mentioned how she found out that I'd be transferred in ICU, in the confines of my guarded and frantic mind, I'd immediately shouted "no way!-the fuck!?-don't want to!-impossible-shit!" and then I was immediately washed with a feeling of dread and guilt and anguish. So tell me... what sane person would not realize his feelings about the situation? I just don't want to be transferred.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm having jitters and tremors and my bones feel squishy and useless. It's for a fact that I won't do anything about the situation because I can't help it. I have no place to voice out my complaints about the matter, being new to my current hospital. I am so,so sad at this very moment. And the worse thing is, I know I'd be doing my best when I finally am at ICU. My pride just can't let go, can't forgive myself if I somehow become lazy. I just have to be competent and one of the very best. My pride wouldn't take the blow of being perceived as someone weak or dumb. I'd be working my ass out as if the world is full of colours and life has somehow didn't become a rival bitch for me. So even if I don't really like the situation, I'd just have to suck up some courage and filthy air and face the rest of the days like some valiant knight. No one can truly know the workings of my mind. They can know about my feelings but the schemes and plots and plans all should be covered by darkness. I am so gonna hit back.
But for now, it's just soooo depressing to think about my leaving the CCU. I've somehow grown attach to the people there that going to another unit has become a sad event.. My stupid mind is still clutching desperately to a 50% chance that the acquaintance who dealt the sad blow about my transfer could be wrong. There's still somehow a streak of dim chance she was wrong. But I couldn't really hold out on it, could I? And tomorrow would only confirm this sad situation of mine. But I'd still get back to this freaking blog if it's the last thing I do coz this is the only thing that holds the pieces of my fucking sanity intact.
