There is nothing easy in losing one's job. There is never a reason for celebration. There is never relief. Above all, there is never a reason to smile. A job, no matter what it is and no matter if it sucks or not, is still something to consider precious. It is yours. To lose it beyond your control is like being the victim of a robbery. It eats at you especially when it wasn't even your fault in the first place and you haven't done anything wrong. In the end, you are left with the feeling that something has been stolen from you. It would feel tremendously personal. That's the first wave of emotion we would likely feel when such circumstance has befallen on us. It would take a ridiculous amount of courage to remain firm and positive and calm amidst such storm. The second emotion humans would feel then would be the financial burden: we think about the means of survival and how to feed the family. The third would be a blend of panic and stress and feeling of helplessness. We are at a lost. The ground has crumbled and we are falling down. I look up at the people who continue to stand their ground and brave through the ordeal instead of crying in a corner and whimpering helplessly. For one thing, crying would surely exist. It is natural to mope and feel gloomy, too... but it doesn't just stop there. People would not abandon themselves and surrender without a fight. We can all feel bitter after we have tried all our best and exhausted all possible means.
My friends right now are suffering from the loss of their jobs. While I am not in their shoes, my mother is. It's a snowball effect, I am therefore, affected too... but not from the first wave, mine--in contrast, is probably just a ripple, just an aftershock. I'm feeling panic slowly crippling my skin, I'm beginning to feel stressed too. I imagine how my friends are possibly feeling right now. They must be so terrified, their fear a bit greater than what I feel now, their stress tripled. As of this moment, they have more right to feel troubled than I am. To see them planning for secondary measures and counterattacks to salvage their ground amidst the unforgiving, sudden bomb of losing a job must've taken so much courage and bravery and will.
It is because of their optimism and show of humanity that I decided to show a rare moment of honesty. If I want to shred my skin and pave my path, I came to realize that the first step would be to stay honest with myself and look straight up at the ugly edges and dirty insides that make up my person... because the truth is, I have become hateful---I just didn't really realize it.
I am, most definitely, cynical and pessimistic by nature. I have known this since I was a kid. No matter what optimistic words bloom from my mouth, deep down I have this black hole full of sinister, abrasive and cruel thoughts. I am never at rest, never truly at peace. The rare moments of peace comes from things other people won't even recognize or understand. These moments of tranquility are so few that I treasure them greatly... but I have to be honest about myself now... as promised.
I want to get out of this country--both for selfish, personal reasons and for my broken family. If I want my brother to live with me and I want to have the means to support him, this country is not for it. Setting that aside, I knew from the moment I arrived here that the the desert country simply just doesn't sit well with me. I am thankful for my job here ( and I truly love it) and for all the amazing, brilliant people I have come to know but I don't see myself wanting to stay here more than necessary. My family comes first. Lately I have been feeling bitter towards lots of things. I'm bitter and I somehow harbor resentment towards my relatives who are now enjoying their lives in the US. I have to realize and recognize that I somehow blame them that my mother's papers were neglected and forgotten by them, why we are where we are. I, too, realized that I am never truly thankful with their help and assistance thinking that they are just blood money, a compensation. In my eyes, they can never pay enough because even when I hear of their support and concern, I cannot believe it. They are mere words and I have become this hardened shell, a dark child who can't really believe that the world would give her something to celebrate for. I have become a monster that would only recognize effort when I see it. I take no comfort in words. My broken family taught me that. My relatives forgetting to do something potentially life changing for my mother taught me that. I am also bitter that I decided to pursue my career here in UAE instead of grabbing the chance to apply to another country back then when I was still in the Philippines. I am bitter that our family's broken and with this comes the burden of never truly having a chance to focus on myself. I am bitter that none of my family knows how to save money--in fact, I am gravely stressed by it--that we don't fckng have savings.
Amongst this pile of bitterness, though, I realized how ultimately lazy and neglectful I have become. I stopped making plans. I stopped exerting effort. I was so focused towards the things I am bitter about, so held up by my surprisingly crippling resentment towards my mother's siblings that I have somehow learned to silently blame them along the way, so bitter towards the stagnant life I feel is now draining the life out of me...
In the end, no one is at fault but me. I have been so consumed with my arrogance and pride and laziness. I have been idling around. I cannot blame anybody else. There is no one else. I just have to forget about them. I just have to rely on myself and never expect support or help from them. I will try my damnest now. I would feel bitter later only after I have exhausted every means and every grain of possibility. Only thinking like this would salvage my relationship with my mom's siblings, then. I cannot blame them. It is irrational. It is something that's inside me for a long time but I didn't realize it. But I was a kid then when I found out about these things. I was a kid when I learned from the hard way how I cannot take comfort in mere words. I was a kid when I realized how I shouldn't easily believe that anyone would go out of their way just so they could help us. I was a kid when I was indoctrinated by the paragon of cynicism and pessimism. I was just so good in overwhelming this side of me back then that I managed to smile brightly when I was younger. My reign over the darkness broke, I suppose, when my family did. I cannot grow lax now... For my own brother and sister, I can be the devil for them. It is something I learned, too, when I was a kid. I will never forgive myself if we'll grow out of our bonds. I would desperately hold on to them..even when, for now, I should just focus on paving my path. I have to brave the oceans and take sail. I'll come back for them.
In comparison to my friends who are suffering the crisis of losing their job, they now have more reason to feel bitter towards the world but I see them calculating plans outside the confines of their houses, walking the earth with steady eyes even when inside, they must be crumbling. I look up to them and even when I am pessimistic and cynical, I can be optimistic for them in the mean time. And while they are having their fight, I will fight too. I can be good with them and for them. I can find reasons to get out of this dark cloak.
I am a monster. And I am so very hateful. If having the silent thoughts I have mentioned above makes me a sinner and doesn't endear me to the dwindling number of relatives I remained endeared with, I am sorry. .. but writing is the only language I can speak without ever lying. And I have to do this to pay tribute to the courage and strength of my friends' facing the crisis of losing their jobs. They gave me the necessary push to stop being lazy and stop idling about, gave me a reason to want to try harder.
I have to mention that with all this bitterness and resentment and despite how truly hateful and disbelieving I am, I care for my family and by extension, my relatives. I mean, pick a fight with my relatives (even to those I unknowingly developed silent resentment towards) and I vow I'll wage war for their sake. Loyalty is something I cannot afford to be tarnished. I'd be a killer and a criminal but never in my life would I forsake family. I just take prioritization. My family comes first. Everything else fades in comparison, everything else could be irrelevant. I suppose I feel greatly when I think someone from my family has been wronged. Though it's just something from the past.
I am honestly stressed out right now, thinking of the repercussions of Maternity Hospital's closing and how it would affect my friends and even my own family...but for now, I can only say I'm a bit determined and I have to take advantage of this feeling.
All the bitterness that's suffocating and crippling me, I have to swim past them and somehow manage to take a guzzle of fresh, untainted air. I am an ugly person. I have to embrace it. Because even with all this bitterness and even with all the shits the universe somehow decided to throw at us, I still rather think I won't trade the person I am now and how battered my mind has become to someone else's.
To my friends, the heart I extend to you is genuine. I bare this ugliness to show my support. Be strong and steady for I feel like I can be, too, every time I see all of you who are now gloriously fighting and keeping your heads while the crisis is at its peak. I am impatient... but for now, patience is something we have to learn all the while riding the waves of time.
I suppose I have to mention here in the end how I have to see the blessings and the good things that have been bestowed on us but see..., thinking that other people are in worse conditions doesn't make our situation any better. I see the beautiful things in life and I know how to appreciate gifts and life and the great things... that just doesn't mean I don't have woes and troubles and plights.
My friends right now are suffering from the loss of their jobs. While I am not in their shoes, my mother is. It's a snowball effect, I am therefore, affected too... but not from the first wave, mine--in contrast, is probably just a ripple, just an aftershock. I'm feeling panic slowly crippling my skin, I'm beginning to feel stressed too. I imagine how my friends are possibly feeling right now. They must be so terrified, their fear a bit greater than what I feel now, their stress tripled. As of this moment, they have more right to feel troubled than I am. To see them planning for secondary measures and counterattacks to salvage their ground amidst the unforgiving, sudden bomb of losing a job must've taken so much courage and bravery and will.
It is because of their optimism and show of humanity that I decided to show a rare moment of honesty. If I want to shred my skin and pave my path, I came to realize that the first step would be to stay honest with myself and look straight up at the ugly edges and dirty insides that make up my person... because the truth is, I have become hateful---I just didn't really realize it.
I am, most definitely, cynical and pessimistic by nature. I have known this since I was a kid. No matter what optimistic words bloom from my mouth, deep down I have this black hole full of sinister, abrasive and cruel thoughts. I am never at rest, never truly at peace. The rare moments of peace comes from things other people won't even recognize or understand. These moments of tranquility are so few that I treasure them greatly... but I have to be honest about myself now... as promised.
I want to get out of this country--both for selfish, personal reasons and for my broken family. If I want my brother to live with me and I want to have the means to support him, this country is not for it. Setting that aside, I knew from the moment I arrived here that the the desert country simply just doesn't sit well with me. I am thankful for my job here ( and I truly love it) and for all the amazing, brilliant people I have come to know but I don't see myself wanting to stay here more than necessary. My family comes first. Lately I have been feeling bitter towards lots of things. I'm bitter and I somehow harbor resentment towards my relatives who are now enjoying their lives in the US. I have to realize and recognize that I somehow blame them that my mother's papers were neglected and forgotten by them, why we are where we are. I, too, realized that I am never truly thankful with their help and assistance thinking that they are just blood money, a compensation. In my eyes, they can never pay enough because even when I hear of their support and concern, I cannot believe it. They are mere words and
Amongst this pile of bitterness, though, I realized how ultimately lazy and neglectful I have become. I stopped making plans. I stopped exerting effort. I was so focused towards the things I am bitter about, so held up by my surprisingly crippling resentment towards my mother's siblings that I have somehow learned to silently blame them along the way, so bitter towards the stagnant life I feel is now draining the life out of me...
In the end, no one is at fault but me. I have been so consumed with my arrogance and pride and laziness. I have been idling around. I cannot blame anybody else. There is no one else. I just have to forget about them. I just have to rely on myself and never expect support or help from them. I will try my damnest now. I would feel bitter later only after I have exhausted every means and every grain of possibility. Only thinking like this would salvage my relationship with my mom's siblings, then. I cannot blame them. It is irrational. It is something that's inside me for a long time but I didn't realize it. But I was a kid then when I found out about these things. I was a kid when I learned from the hard way how I cannot take comfort in mere words. I was a kid when I realized how I shouldn't easily believe that anyone would go out of their way just so they could help us. I was a kid when I was indoctrinated by the paragon of cynicism and pessimism. I was just so good in overwhelming this side of me back then that I managed to smile brightly when I was younger. My reign over the darkness broke, I suppose, when my family did. I cannot grow lax now... For my own brother and sister, I can be the devil for them. It is something I learned, too, when I was a kid. I will never forgive myself if we'll grow out of our bonds. I would desperately hold on to them..even when, for now, I should just focus on paving my path. I have to brave the oceans and take sail. I'll come back for them.
In comparison to my friends who are suffering the crisis of losing their job, they now have more reason to feel bitter towards the world but I see them calculating plans outside the confines of their houses, walking the earth with steady eyes even when inside, they must be crumbling. I look up to them and even when I am pessimistic and cynical, I can be optimistic for them in the mean time. And while they are having their fight, I will fight too. I can be good with them and for them. I can find reasons to get out of this dark cloak.
I am a monster. And I am so very hateful. If having the silent thoughts I have mentioned above makes me a sinner and doesn't endear me to the dwindling number of relatives I remained endeared with, I am sorry. .. but writing is the only language I can speak without ever lying. And I have to do this to pay tribute to the courage and strength of my friends' facing the crisis of losing their jobs. They gave me the necessary push to stop being lazy and stop idling about, gave me a reason to want to try harder.
I have to mention that with all this bitterness and resentment and despite how truly hateful and disbelieving I am, I care for my family and by extension, my relatives. I mean, pick a fight with my relatives (even to those I unknowingly developed silent resentment towards) and I vow I'll wage war for their sake. Loyalty is something I cannot afford to be tarnished. I'd be a killer and a criminal but never in my life would I forsake family. I just take prioritization. My family comes first. Everything else fades in comparison, everything else could be irrelevant. I suppose I feel greatly when I think someone from my family has been wronged. Though it's just something from the past.
I am honestly stressed out right now, thinking of the repercussions of Maternity Hospital's closing and how it would affect my friends and even my own family...but for now, I can only say I'm a bit determined and I have to take advantage of this feeling.
All the bitterness that's suffocating and crippling me, I have to swim past them and somehow manage to take a guzzle of fresh, untainted air. I am an ugly person. I have to embrace it. Because even with all this bitterness and even with all the shits the universe somehow decided to throw at us, I still rather think I won't trade the person I am now and how battered my mind has become to someone else's.
To my friends, the heart I extend to you is genuine. I bare this ugliness to show my support. Be strong and steady for I feel like I can be, too, every time I see all of you who are now gloriously fighting and keeping your heads while the crisis is at its peak. I am impatient... but for now, patience is something we have to learn all the while riding the waves of time.
I suppose I have to mention here in the end how I have to see the blessings and the good things that have been bestowed on us but see..., thinking that other people are in worse conditions doesn't make our situation any better. I see the beautiful things in life and I know how to appreciate gifts and life and the great things... that just doesn't mean I don't have woes and troubles and plights.
