"I'm planning on browsing the Translated version of Koran." I have truthfully and cheerfully said when a fellow staff I'd call Jolly shot me an inquiring eye.
"You're going to read Koran!?" She shot back on me with a look mixed with repulsed shock, antagonism and something I cannot describe with word but definitely brushed the core of my defensive instinct. She asked me that one sentence as if I was committing a mortal crime. As if I was gonna do something criminal that would make me a lesser person.
Like a bucket of cold water turned over my head, it suddenly dawned on me that SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND!. She doesn't understand. She doesn't understand!!!! She'd immediately arrived at her own conclusions she need not even give voice to it since her face made it too clear already and she didn't even take into consideration my character and what my motives might be. She simply, simply doesn't understand and she most probably won't understand or even try to (which is the most important). In one brief second, it crashed on me on how other people just might not get it. Jolly was just one example, one innocent soul who might say cruel things she doesn't mean to, one soul that may brand another person a bad color even when she doesn't mean to. I don't even know if she'll be capable to bring reasons and logic over the picture she'll make me seem to be. And I can't even trust that it was her own mind's decision and not by years of traditions.
Jolly wasn't even supposed to be there, at that tiny suffocating room, wasn't even supposed to find out; she just happened to come by when a fellow staff I'd call Hue handed me her Holy Book. For the 2nd second that passed, I wondered how Jolly could make that reaction in front of our other colleague. If there's one thing I know that should have been exercised at that precise moment, it would be RESPECT. Should't it? See, we weren't even trying to keep it a secret, the handing me of the book. The activity was just supposed to be something quiet and treasured and peaceful. The book was important to my co-staff HUE and she was lending it to me-- who she happens to know is of a different race and of a different religion. I have thirst for literature and knowledge and information! and while HUE definitely knows I won't be changing my beliefs (w/c I definitely wouldn't), she knows I know how to care and respect other people and what they may believe in. She knows I'll handle the book with care and won't sully what it stands for because of what it means to her, to people. I presume that's the reason she lent me her book. There was nothing in the act that could be shaming or damning. And sadly, Jolly was just one of the many people who wouldn't be able (in their whole-lifetime) to understand me or that which I decided to endeavor on.
For quite a few heart beats after I'd seen her reaction and deduced what they could mean for me, I was sorely scared. For the tiniest of fraction, It made me doubt my intention, made me doubt what I'm standing for and made me doubt my own judgement. But it all came coming back to me---my sense of self, my integrity, what I'm standing for in receiving that book. It was to the pursuit of knowledge and quenching curiosity and respecting literature all the while coating them with respect. It was the sense of self that was important. Didn't Jolly understand that The control of one's self is as solid as one's mind.? That Things enter only because you allow them to.? And that even if I had decided for some things to enter, I would't be ashamed of it and it definitely won't make me a lesser person. Do I become evil when I embrace new ideas? Ideas such as wanting to read books on Islam, Buddhism, Shintoism, Taoism and so many others? No, the more important question is, Would she consider me filthy or a criminal if I happened to have a different faith from hers? To put a cream on it, she doesn't even know about MY faith, or how I strongly yield to it and how loyally fierce I am to it.
Do not mock what you do not understand.
I do realize that I am trotting over lines that are fragile, over the very precipice that separates things. I know it could be dangerous. But I trust my mind. The part of my mind that guards my beliefs and ideas and everything that I stand for--It stays vigilant. I guard my integrity so much that it would take something really,really big to change where I stand. This way, I could be as open-minded as I can be. Free as all illusions can allow me to believe myself to be. And As respectful as I could be of things with varying nature. Musn't get fazed. Musn't get fazed. Musn't get fazed.
I hope none of the creatures who-would-deign-my- blog-worthy-to-read misunderstand. I do not hate Jolly nor am I angry of her. I have nothing against her. I'm not even the least resentful. It would take a lot for me to get angry at her. She's a colleague working in the same unit with me. All my instincts tell me to care for her and be loyal. While she's not family, she's close to the Pack. Can't help but have a soft spot for Jolly, actually. Can't help but be protective and feel safe with her, as with all my co-staffs in the same unit. I'm just helplessly loyal to a fault and more so because of all the kindness and support I received from them while I was (still am) new. Makes me want to take care of every single one of them. (I really, really love my unit. And I so,so love Cardio) Besides, this ISSUE isn't even an issue. Had she been another person, I probably won't have much of a different reaction. Jolly didn't insult me or said anything harsh or spiteful. I know what she stands for and I respect that linear protectiveness of her even if I don't wholly understand, that is, her side. But for what it's worth, I respect it.
My Mother.
Oh, she was glorious.
I came home carrying the package and immediately announced what it was the soonest I crossed the threshold of our door. I had to. I have to take care of it and people within the household must know what I'm safeguarding and why I'm doing it. Mi mother's immediate reaction was to tell me with very great emphasis how I should be mindful of other people about it, how I must keep it a secret and never tell another soul that I plan to read it.
I thought of Jolly and understood quite clearly what my mother meant with her words. But there's a part of me that's stubborn and resistant when it knows I'm not trampling over other people's feelings or rights. I'm bloody well not hurting anyone. I'm not and shouldn't be guilty.
The room falls back to quiet and we returned to things mundane but enjoyable. Like eating breakfast and watching and talking about other things. The issue was allowed to pass after things had been breathed out and heard.
Then out of the blue, she tells me how when she was young, she did what I'm about to do.
And so it was glorious.
I know she understands. I know I'm just a bit tad more stubborn and resilient. And maybe more forceful and proactive. But hearing the words bring things to clarity.
"You're going to read Koran!?" She shot back on me with a look mixed with repulsed shock, antagonism and something I cannot describe with word but definitely brushed the core of my defensive instinct. She asked me that one sentence as if I was committing a mortal crime. As if I was gonna do something criminal that would make me a lesser person.
Like a bucket of cold water turned over my head, it suddenly dawned on me that SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND!. She doesn't understand. She doesn't understand!!!! She'd immediately arrived at her own conclusions she need not even give voice to it since her face made it too clear already and she didn't even take into consideration my character and what my motives might be. She simply, simply doesn't understand and she most probably won't understand or even try to (which is the most important). In one brief second, it crashed on me on how other people just might not get it. Jolly was just one example, one innocent soul who might say cruel things she doesn't mean to, one soul that may brand another person a bad color even when she doesn't mean to. I don't even know if she'll be capable to bring reasons and logic over the picture she'll make me seem to be. And I can't even trust that it was her own mind's decision and not by years of traditions.
Jolly wasn't even supposed to be there, at that tiny suffocating room, wasn't even supposed to find out; she just happened to come by when a fellow staff I'd call Hue handed me her Holy Book. For the 2nd second that passed, I wondered how Jolly could make that reaction in front of our other colleague. If there's one thing I know that should have been exercised at that precise moment, it would be RESPECT. Should't it? See, we weren't even trying to keep it a secret, the handing me of the book. The activity was just supposed to be something quiet and treasured and peaceful. The book was important to my co-staff HUE and she was lending it to me-- who she happens to know is of a different race and of a different religion. I have thirst for literature and knowledge and information! and while HUE definitely knows I won't be changing my beliefs (w/c I definitely wouldn't), she knows I know how to care and respect other people and what they may believe in. She knows I'll handle the book with care and won't sully what it stands for because of what it means to her, to people. I presume that's the reason she lent me her book. There was nothing in the act that could be shaming or damning. And sadly, Jolly was just one of the many people who wouldn't be able (in their whole-lifetime) to understand me or that which I decided to endeavor on.
For quite a few heart beats after I'd seen her reaction and deduced what they could mean for me, I was sorely scared. For the tiniest of fraction, It made me doubt my intention, made me doubt what I'm standing for and made me doubt my own judgement. But it all came coming back to me---my sense of self, my integrity, what I'm standing for in receiving that book. It was to the pursuit of knowledge and quenching curiosity and respecting literature all the while coating them with respect. It was the sense of self that was important. Didn't Jolly understand that The control of one's self is as solid as one's mind.? That Things enter only because you allow them to.? And that even if I had decided for some things to enter, I would't be ashamed of it and it definitely won't make me a lesser person. Do I become evil when I embrace new ideas? Ideas such as wanting to read books on Islam, Buddhism, Shintoism, Taoism and so many others? No, the more important question is, Would she consider me filthy or a criminal if I happened to have a different faith from hers? To put a cream on it, she doesn't even know about MY faith, or how I strongly yield to it and how loyally fierce I am to it.
Do not mock what you do not understand.
I do realize that I am trotting over lines that are fragile, over the very precipice that separates things. I know it could be dangerous. But I trust my mind. The part of my mind that guards my beliefs and ideas and everything that I stand for--It stays vigilant. I guard my integrity so much that it would take something really,really big to change where I stand. This way, I could be as open-minded as I can be. Free as all illusions can allow me to believe myself to be. And As respectful as I could be of things with varying nature. Musn't get fazed. Musn't get fazed. Musn't get fazed.
I hope none of the creatures who-would-deign-my- blog-worthy-to-read misunderstand. I do not hate Jolly nor am I angry of her. I have nothing against her. I'm not even the least resentful. It would take a lot for me to get angry at her. She's a colleague working in the same unit with me. All my instincts tell me to care for her and be loyal. While she's not family, she's close to the Pack. Can't help but have a soft spot for Jolly, actually. Can't help but be protective and feel safe with her, as with all my co-staffs in the same unit. I'm just helplessly loyal to a fault and more so because of all the kindness and support I received from them while I was (still am) new. Makes me want to take care of every single one of them. (I really, really love my unit. And I so,so love Cardio) Besides, this ISSUE isn't even an issue. Had she been another person, I probably won't have much of a different reaction. Jolly didn't insult me or said anything harsh or spiteful. I know what she stands for and I respect that linear protectiveness of her even if I don't wholly understand, that is, her side. But for what it's worth, I respect it.
My Mother.
Oh, she was glorious.
I came home carrying the package and immediately announced what it was the soonest I crossed the threshold of our door. I had to. I have to take care of it and people within the household must know what I'm safeguarding and why I'm doing it. Mi mother's immediate reaction was to tell me with very great emphasis how I should be mindful of other people about it, how I must keep it a secret and never tell another soul that I plan to read it.
I thought of Jolly and understood quite clearly what my mother meant with her words. But there's a part of me that's stubborn and resistant when it knows I'm not trampling over other people's feelings or rights. I'm bloody well not hurting anyone. I'm not and shouldn't be guilty.
The room falls back to quiet and we returned to things mundane but enjoyable. Like eating breakfast and watching and talking about other things. The issue was allowed to pass after things had been breathed out and heard.
Then out of the blue, she tells me how when she was young, she did what I'm about to do.
And so it was glorious.
I know she understands. I know I'm just a bit tad more stubborn and resilient. And maybe more forceful and proactive. But hearing the words bring things to clarity.
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